Hurt and Betrayed, But You Still Want to Get Your Ex Back After an Affair?

by Emma Audley

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   If being married is not your case yet, then you must have had a really strong relationship with your ex up to the point you found out about your lover's infidelities. Despite all the bad that your lover has caused, you are still willing to leave it all behind and forgive, but how to do that? How will you ever be able to get back with your ex and not let the past get you?

   Unlike any other relationship you have had in the past, this one is really special to you and can't feel to picture your life without your loved one in it. You are scared, disappointed, mad, humiliated and angry. You feel lost without your love and wish to get it back. Before you move on to the step when saying "I forgive you" will happen with a light heart and no remorse, you need to get down to some serious introspection and see if forgiveness is really worth bothering.

   Your ex's infidelity is a sign that, at a point, something went wrong or missing in your relationship; your ex has then felt the need to compensate that something by meeting somebody new. That unfortunately has not been the smartest thing to do since you could have simply talked things over. But let's just say it is not entirely your ex's fault; maybe your ex has tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't listen. Ask yourself: how much attention have I paid to my ex, how receptive have I been to his or her needs and what were those needs after all? This calls for some changes in your life - first of all towards you and the way you perceive your significant other, and second of all towards you as a couple. Maybe your ex is to blame for not telling you what went wrong.

   If you are not able to have a normal discussion, you may ask for the help of a professional. Couple therapists are really good at what they are doing so be confident about going to one. You need to identify ALL your inadequacies and then work out a common plan to fix them. To give you an example of one of the most common reasons why couples break up due to infidelity, think about your sexual life: is everything gong alright? How about mutual interest and empathy or your mental compatibility? Are those OK as well? Or maybe it's the routine and boredom. What exciting things have you done together lately?

   Once your lover cheated on you, you can never restore your trust in him or her as if nothing had happened and you are still a happy couple. Trust is not something that you can buy from a grocery store or order from a pizza guy. You both need to correct your attitude and make a firm promise to change.

   It is true and completely understandable that your broken trust is the biggest problem right now, but it all takes time to fix. Some people continue to have a couple relationship with someone they no longer have anything in common out of commodity and the fear of being alone. I hope this is not your case too. Is love really the one that is keeping you together or is something else driven by fear and selfishness? Ask yourself whether you are really willing to go on the road of forgiveness, or will your ex's lies and infidelity keep haunting you until you finally decide you need to break up for good? Be honest with yourself - you deserve that!

   © Copyright Emma Audley, 2009


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